There is no introduction. There is no witty joke. There is no banter.
No “haha’s” or “funnies”. No comedy. No laughter.
What in god’s name is the easter bunny.
Has anyone just stopped and thought about this? Every year we take 7 weeks to celebrate a rabbit or something? What did the soulsucker even do to deserve our attention?
Before you come to my house with pitchforks and barrels of oil ready to commit arson, I know that Easter is for commemorating the rebirth of Jesus Christ. That part makes sense to me. Religion is a big deal in our traditions and in what we celebrate, I can respect that. Easter itself makes sense.
But what does the Easter Bunny have to do with Jesus? Have you seen that thing? You really look at that ghastly creature and go “ah yes of course the resurrection of Jesus H Christ our lord and saviour”? Why do we gotta include this piece of plush in commemorating our lord and saviour? Who invited the furry?
--writer’s note--
I'm writing this article and I'm thinking “wait what if the Easter bunny is in the Bible?” So I downloaded the Bible and word searched for “easter bunny”.
The Easter Bunny is not in the Bible. I am safe from being cancelled. Thank you very much. Please carry on.
--end of writer's note--
I don’t even understand the point of it. “Hey look here’s a giant rabbit that looks like a 30-year-old discord moderator in a dollar store furry cosplay suit, now go and collect its easter eggs”. Easter eggs, by the way, if you think about it, are the children of the Easter bunny. You are collecting the Easter bunny’s children.
You frolic around the yard with a smile on your face and a basket in hand looking for a furry’s unborn children. Parents are cheering you on, as you look for these shrouded rabbit embryo vessels, the parent of which has hidden them to prevent you from finding them. The Easter Bunny doesn’t want you to find them. Why are you looking for them? Why must you scour the plains in search of the next generation of Easter Bunnies? All the Easter Bunny wanted was children of its own, to watch its newborns frolic across the green field. But you wanted to win some Easter Egg competition, and now a parent loses its children. You monster.
But maybe it’s justified. Maybe, you’re preventing the birth of more Easter Bunnies because let’s face it, who wants more of those rat bastards? Maybe you think it’s right to prevent the birth of something that the world may not want, but who are you to make that decision? Who are you to say what gets birthed and what doesn’t? My parents sure as hell didn’t want me born and here I am, a mistake, a burden to those around me. oh man i need a therapi
Every time I look at a photo of the easter bunny for this article I can just feel its soulless eyes stare back at me. I feel like I’m staring into the void, no emotion or empathy.
It’s plotting something, I know it. I can feel it. There’s no way that thing is normal.
It knows where I live, it knows where you live.
It’s in your house right now, staring over your shoulder.
Don’t look behind you. Eye contact incites violence in it.
Don’t move.
Just stay quiet.
Shh.
It’s ok.
…
…
…
Ok it’s gone, carry on now.
Also I’m sorry but there's no way I am going to write an article about the absolute monstrosity that is the easter bunny without talking about how creepy it looks. It looks like the rejected mascot of a furry con. And before any one of you tell me that the easter bunny is actually usually depicted as an actual rabbit and only the synthetic fur version is used for irl perfs, shut up I’m trying to write an article here. You think an article about the detailed and interesting factual history about a widely known mascot of a Christian holiday would be good for a satirical school newsletter? You think I’m willing to put in the effort of doing genuine and factual research instead of just sitting down for 5 minutes and writing some crappy article based purely on nothing but the limited imagination of a sleep-deprived dumbass at 4am? Yeah that’s what I thought.
Now this is a professional journalism site so like a professional journalist I made sure to do my research. To start off my extensive research on the Easter Bunny and its history, I looked at the first paragraph on Wikipedia.
“The Easter Bunny (also called the Easter Rabbit or Easter Hare) is a folkloric figure and symbol of Easter”
Okay, so it’s the symbol of Easter. I’m with it so far.
“Originating among German Lutherans, the "Easter Hare" originally played the role of a judge”
What? who made a rabbit a judge. Can I see its qualifications?
“... evaluating whether children were good or disobedient in behavior at the start of the season of Eastertide, similar to the "naughty or nice" list made by Santa Claus”
So the easter bunny is the bootleg version of Santa. Santa got replaced by a bunny, poor guy.
“As part of the legend, the creature carries colored eggs in its basket, as well as candy, and sometimes toys, to the homes of children.”
When I follow small children around I get questioned and arrested, and you have this furball stalking children scot-free? How many crimes does that thing want to commit. Is it allowed within 25 feet of a school zone?
And why is it just giving its children to other children? You open the door at 3am and oops sorry the Easter Bunny visited and now you’re burdened with raising a living animal that you didn’t want to deal with, similar to how my parents felt. s*** i really need to find a thera
We also have to talk about this guy.
Having the easter bunny exist as the mascot of easter is bad enough, now we gotta include it in our games? He gets into our tradition, our religion, our houses, our minds, and now our games? Why is he here. Why is he everywhere.
I know I’ve been giving the bun bun a lot of s***. It’s only fair we look at both the bad and the good.
get s*** on.