As we all know, the IB, or International Baccalaureate, is a non-profit organization that provides high-quality education to students around the world. Its world-renowned curriculum teaches all those who come into contact with it critical thinking, problem solving, and that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Or at least, that’s what it claims to be.
The IB, at its heart, is the most profitable organization in the world. However, it does not deal in things as fickle as mortal currency— not money, neither gold nor silver nor even Bitcoin. No, dear readers. The IB rakes in profits in souls.
Now, I’m aware that this may seem awfully farfetched. Souls aren’t real, right? Our consciousnesses are merely the products of our brains, biology and nothing more. But allow me to explain, and it will become clear how this is the soul logical explanation.
Deals with the devil are a common motif in literary works, fine art, and folklore alike. According to its very trustworthy Wikipedia entry, it involves a person trading their soul for “diabolical favors”, such as knowledge, wealth, and skill. The most important of those things, in this regard, is the first. For what is the purpose of education but to provide students with knowledge?
Year after year, young and impressionable students are drawn to the IB program, selling their souls, sanity, and time in exchange for knowledge in the form of an “international education”. However, this, too, is only a half truth. In actuality, the unassuming students are taught the diabolical ways of capitalism and mathematics, embracing corporate life and becoming Homo Economici who care for naught but profit while abandoning their glorious communist roots. The ways of the Motherland are relegated to being taught in I&S and History classes, lost and forgotten amongst endless OPVLs and analyses.
With an estimated 1.95 million IB students worldwide, it is no wonder that the IB has acquired a monopoly on souls, which would frankly be impressive if it wasn’t so concerning. Over the course of my investigation into the depths of the IB’s depravity, I came to learn that it eclipsed Hell itself in terms of its profit margin 21 years ago, a mere 3 years after the first PYP school came to be, and now I fear that nothing short of the extinction of humanity will slow its path of conquest.
Naturally, laying this dark secret of the IB bare does not come without a cost. The act of penning this final message will seal my fate at the hands of the capitalist hordes. A self-fulfilling prophecy, if you will.
I am writing this from within my hiding place in the RCHK Leeks Headquarters. Though I became a journalist for RCHK Leeks to bring quality news to our comrades across the globe, there is no respite from the capitalist manifesto even here— our CEO is one of them. The CEO’s minions haven’t found me yet, but they know just as well as I do that it’s only a matter of time; I can hear their heavy footsteps coming down the hall as we speak. Dear readers, fellow comrades, I leave you all with these parting words: “Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chaslkjfgl;ksd