A school was unfortunately shut down this week due to the numerous cases of students and teachers alike collapsing in the hallways and classrooms after being exposed to 10 minutes of rain in the morning on their way to class. The event caused pandemonium as the piles of bodies obstructed main hallways and staircases. Similar events have been observed globally, contributing to the increasing burden on the healthcare system. Some seismologists have even detected miniscule earthquakes from the collective “schlap” of their bodies hitting the floor, reaching magnitudes of 6.9.
The cause of this has been suspected to be COVID-19 travelling via rain droplets suspended in the air, originating from hard-hit countries located hundreds of kilometers away. “It’s pretty common,” said Homo Economicus Toe Chan. “I believe this is a great way to determine who will be successful when they finally integrate into society.”
Meanwhile, doctors and nurses are stockpiling hospital apparatus for the apocalypse, leaving us with neither the necessary supplies nor skills to fend for ourselves. Many are wondering if this is malpractice of corporate social responsibility, as much of this behaviour is appearing in private hospitals; However, this might just be because public hospitals are currently being used as warehouses for the fallen bodies.
Doctors claim that the only way of survival is mass immunization. Consequently, vaccines are disappearing off the shelves like TVs during a Black Friday Sale, complete with the occasional brawl ending in vaccines being picked out of the hands of the fallen at various pharmacies. In an unprecedented move, even the Karens have radically switched sides, and are now advocating for essential oil-infused vaccines. People now believe that COVID-19 vaccines are infused with the power of Red Bull and Monster, giving them five hours worth of energy for each jab. Hence, people are also collapsing from the uncontainable raw energy absorbed from the vaccines.
Recent reports also show that immunised people now have the body strength comparable to that of our ancestors, the humble “OOGA BOOGA” caveman. Coupled with the lack of operable technology after the rich had hoarded all of it, communities have returned to monke in order to survive, living off of natural resources and returning balance to the ecosystem. Statistics show that CO2 emissions have decreased to sustainable levels, the ocean is receding and the rivers are no longer filled with capitalist waste. As the saying goes, the only solution to global warming and overpopulation is mass genocide.
