Romrom Gramsay's Breakfast Article

(IMPORTANT: Read article in deep, slobbery scottish/british accent for full experience)

Hi readers, Romrom Gramsay here. I’m here to provide you with a professional, 60 michelin star, 20+ television adaptation and show critique on the breakfast produced at RCHK. The RCHK Breakfast bar: it's a quaint, nice little eatery secluded from all the tiny gremlins in the primary half of the school. The breakfast bar is decorated with Italian decor and bears the charming likeness of an olive tree. Savoury. Reminds me of my 2412-acre olive garden back at home. I touch and trace my fingers on the brown tabletop stove and lean in to take a deep, great sniff. Delicious. Exquisite. Truly the most beautiful tabletop stove I’ve ever seen. Now, the food.

The RCHK breakfast bar set consists of scrambled eggs, hash browns, tomatoes, sausages, and buttered bread. The food is stored in a majestic, jet white ergonomic container that strategically places each component of the breakfast to create a contemporary, avant-garde modern art representation of nostalgia. Oh, how it reminds me of the days I spent frolicking in meadows of 24 carat solid gold bricks with Mother. Now, to begin my extensive and professional review on the breakfast set.

1. Hash Browns - The hash browns come in sets of three golden, warm, crispy yukon gold potato cakes. The exterior of the hash browns emits a light that rivals that of the sun; an exterior that is weathered by the hands that fought, healed, and worked on the individual chunks of sheared potato flesh. I carefully lick the hashbrowns and feel each bump and crease of crisp on the hash brown. It sends a jolt of pleasure through my spine. I caress the soft, weakened centre of the hashbrown and run my delicate fingers through the surface of the hash brown, feeling the roughness of the crisp increase. I bite into the hash brown with exciting anticipation, feeling th

IT TASTES LIKE ?@#¥. BLIMEY. WHAT THE @#!$ IS .THIS??? IT TASTES LIKE P**** AND @$£%.

And it's delicious. The drizzle of potato juice fills my mouth in an exciting ejection of pure liquid sunshine and gold, warming the edges and hearts of my lips and leaving an afterburn of shiny, hot flavour. My mouth salivates with an intense, burning sensation, witnessing and feeling the true golden experience of a holy ambrosia.

Oh, dear me. Dear me, This is just too much for one man to endure. The golden light coursing through my veins, activating every nerve in my system and overloading the senses. It is just truly spectacular. Ah. Right. The list.

1. Buttered bread - This is far from what one would call bread. It is more of a biscuit, a shortbread biscuit, dehydrated of all it's youth and life, it is essentially construction material. The bread is subjected to an eternal baking in the warming pan in the breakfast bar and makes it extremely hard to spread butter onto the surface.

And that makes it truly delicious. The tears of pure, unfiltered pain and grit I experience from biting and tearing a piece of bread truly fills me with ecstatic euphoria. The sound of my teeth shattering against the diamond-hard surface of the bread is a symphony to my ears. The blood that cascades from my gums is a sight to behold. I let out a toothless, bleeding ear-to-ear smile just imagining the feel of the bread.

1. Sausage - A long meaty, glistening rod that has been fried to perfection and preserved its adolescence in the warming pan. The sausage is an Italian style sausage made with marbled ground pork, peppercorn, and it appears to be spiced with—sweet basil and fennel. Gorgeousity.

10 inches. Meaty. I stick my plastic fork into the sausage and slowly stuff the whole thing into my mouth. It slides neatly through my saliva lubricated throat. Oh. Blimey. It’s jammed. Stuck in my esophagus. I can’t breathe. It's choking me. Oh no. It hurts.. But I love it. The sausage begins sneaking through my windpipe, causing me to let out a spasm of pain. Once again, my senses are overwhelmed. I cannot feel my hands or feet. I stumble onto the tabletop stove of the breakfast bar and begin letting out waves of pleasure induced convulsions?. Finally, the cheeky little sausage slides through my throat and into my stomach. I breathe in heavily and tremble a little, shaken by the satisfaction of the ordeal. One breakfast meal can only hold so much power. I’m gutted.

1. Eggs - The eggs are honestly pretty good. They're silky smooth in a classic cantonese style scramble; towards the top, the eggs have a slightly liquid edge, providing me with the experience of feeling both states of matter in my mouth. (legit review)

Now that brings us to the final dish of this dumpster fire. The tomato. A red, glistening ---

“Romrom”

What?

“Romrom, come here,” the tomato says. Plaintively , calling to me like a lost child.

“Romrom Gramsay,” it calls.

I step closer.

“Romrom” it repeats, this time firmly, seductively.

I look at it.

There it is. The tomato. It opens its two hazel eyes, each as massive as its forehead. Lovely. It slowly parts its shimmering, wet lips.

“Eat me, Romrom.”

It winks and beams at me.

I proceed to eat it.

I bite into the bouncy surface of the skin of the tomato, breaking through the skin and revealing a bountiful flesh of pure, translucent red fruit.

And I fly.

(he’s flying)

(RCHK, HENG ON - A man has been arrested under suspicion of being in the influence of an excessive overdose of the following drugs: Kosher salt, 100 grams, Black pepper, 30 grams, Lamb gravy sauce, 40 kg after causing a public disturbance in the schools premises, from petty theft of meals sold in the school breakfast bar and “choking on a sausage and bussin on the undercover table” as described by an Year 12 eyewitness)