Salutations, fine enjoyers of educational institution delicacies,
I am monsieur señor Parmi Nous 先生, top food critic of the Michelin Tire Company. I have dedicated over 38 years of my life to the prestigious art of food review. Throughout my professional career, I have travelled far and wide to consume even the most exotic of delicacies. Most recently, I rested by your educational institution in the midst of my pilgrimage to the residence of Romrom Gramsay. Now that I have obtained my prestigious “Food Scholarship of the Seven Rats,” I have now the opportunity to professionally critique this institution’s most popular delicacies.
Pan-Fried Fish Fillet with Orange Sauce & Steamed Parsley Potatoes
-3 Michelin Spongebobs
Absolutely-bloody-terrible! Consuming this “nourishment” is akin to consuming the arctic circle whilst at absolute zero. It is practically bloody Bose-Einstein condensate with how bloody cold it is! The texture would suffice as petroleum with how oily its exterior tastes. The miserable parsley topping adds nothing but an inkling of human excrement to the manure that is this unpalatable subsistence. The potatoes are more akin to compost than the classic European staple. I would rather consume the barnacle covered net that was used to kidnap this unfortunate fish than consume this disgrace to the art of seafood.
Yeung Chow Fried Rice (Less Oil)
0 Michelin Atacama Deserts
This cuisine takes the concept of “Reduced Oil” to the absolute-bloody-extreme. To consume this spin on the East Asian classic is to consume a shovel-full of the Sahara Desert. It is even prepared with the occasional “cactus” in the form of a spoonful of sour luncheon meat and broccoli. Fittingly, it even tastes like a cactus! Although this nutriment is not actively debilitating to the digestive system unlike its seafood predecessor, it is still a plate of what can be easily misinterpreted as bloody sand.
Chlorine-Aqua Blueberry Rose Non-Alcoholic Beverage (XL)
1 Michelin pool-noodle
Whilst many of this institution’s culinary endeavours prove inadequate with regard to contemporary professional standards, I must applaud the craftsmanship of this certainly immense portion of Chlorine-Aqua Blueberry Rose Non-Alcoholic Beverage (XL). Indeed, the beverage elicits a concoction of unique bitter tastes within the tongue, whilst proving equally stimulating to the olfactory senses. Moreover, the 2 million litre concoction is sure to provide adequate nourishment to the diner, quite the satisfactory experience.
Literally Just a Basketball
2 Michelin Slam-Dunks
Once more, a unique dining experience sure to satisfy the most picky of guests. The rubber exterior complements a gaseous inner filling, resulting in a special dining experience sure to take the customer on a journey. Furthermore, the spot-filled rubber exterior leaves a unique yet satisfying texture within the tongue, envicative of a “dunk” of complex emotion. Unfortunately, with the closing of the dining area for maintenance, this staple of Renaissance College is currently off-menu.
First Floor Central Staircase Boy’s Bathroom “Surprise”
∞ Michelin Flush
At last, Renaissance College’s finest delicacy, the magnum opus of the Chartwells culinary group: The First Floor Central Staircase Boy’s Bathroom “Surprise.” Indeed, this signature cuisine is more a representation of human emotion, of true reality, than food. No words can describe the pious aroma, taste, sight, or texture, all envicative of something greater. To experience this “surprise” is to absorb the essence of life, of the universe itself. To experience this “surprise” is to realise all of existence. It is a testament to the human condition… this… pure essence. It is a representation of pure truth, or perhaps, it is the truth.
The world is a plate of food. Life, merely a crumb. Yet this ignores the reality of the universe, a blind to the truth of existence. Perhaps if the world were to be represented by a plate of food, we would be food. What we perceive as dining may merely be our perception of ourselves, what we perceive as finishing our plate may just be to transcend food. For centuries mankind has pondered the existence of a chef. But perhaps, everything is the chef, and everything is the food. Or perhaps… there is no food.
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