An unfortunate mix of events this year have stopped the 16 year old skateboarding prodigy, Rony Mawks, from achieving his lifelong goal: getting laid. The 2020 (2021) Toe-kyo Olympics has faced many challenges; the pandemic forcing a ban on all spectators; and 80% of the population wanting the event cancelled or postponed. However, the biggest sacrifices the sporting event has made include banning the use of contraceptives while the event is going on, and being forced to only provide the barest of necessities for their athletes, replacing beds with cardboard.
Pictured above is Simone Biles sleeping at the Toe-kyo Olympics Venue
“Man, I can’t believe my dreams of fricking lots and lots of highly professional athletes is over,” says Rony. “This is really cramping my style.”
Our journalist asked Mr Mawks, who attends Sky-High School in Wisconsin, over zoom if the overwhelming government regulations would hinder his ability to “shoot his shot”. In response, Rony said, quote: “Yeah dude! Look, I might hate governments funneling money into events that last a week and which cause more damage than good to the local economy as much as the next guy, but I am a responsible teenager who has had his public school sex ed supplemented with many informational instagram posts. As well as lots of practical experience. Both men and women. So I will be there at the olympics as a flexible man in every sense of the word, fricking 2 meters apart. hmu @bronymalks ;)“
This brave teenager’s story has prompted many on social media to voice their support for Mr Mawks, with users @littlemisspusspuss and @sk8rl8rxxWolVzx creating a GoFightForMe campaign, urging fellow top olympic athletes to show up to the Toe-kyo Olympics waving flags with this design:
Rony Mawks may not be able to achieve his dreams in the next week but what we can truly be sure of is that he has inspired many to get out there and pursue the intimacy that they have always dreamed of in their whole 17 years of existence.