(Hey everyone, this is dumb satire, I hate koalas but I don’t want to kill them or our enviornment)
Koalas are absolutely the worst animals ever.
First and foremost, they have one of the smallest brain-to-body ratios of any mammal, and their brains are also unusually smooth. To expand the surface area for neurons, a brain should be folded, that’s why smarter animals like humans have big, rough brains with a lot of fold in them. But guess what? Koalas are just so dumb that they will not recognize leaves picked from a branch set on a flat surface as food. They're also too thick to adjust their feeding habits in response to change. So even if they’re in a room filled with what they usually eat, they can still starve to death.
When it comes to stupidity and food, one of the most likely explanations for their rudimentary minds is that eucalyptus leaves (the only thing they consume), in addition to being poisonous, they are also nearly worthless in terms of nutrition. Due to that, They can't afford the extra energy required to think, so they have to sleep for more than 80% of their lives. Literally all they when they’re awake is eat, excrete, rape (we’ll get to that later) and occasionally scream like IB students when they realise they miss their EE deadline. Because eucalyptus leaves are so low in nutritional content, koalas must ferment the leaves for days on end in their guts. They have the biggest hindgut to body ratio of any animal, in contrast to their disgusting brains.
Many herbivorous animals have adaptations to adjust with the harsh plant life, rats for example have teeth that never stop growing, other animals only have teeth on their lower jaw, grinding plant matter on the bony plates in the tops of their mouths, others have bigger molars to allow them to break down plant matter more efficiently... Koalas are no exception, when their teeth rot down to nothing, they literally just starve to death, because they are absolutely the worst animals ever.
Koalas are mammals, thus they have to feed their babies milk (which has one of the lowest milk yields to body ratios of any animal... You’re starting to see a pattern here right?) When the babies are forced to switch from rich, nourishing substances like milk to eucalyptus (a plant that is obviously not designed to be ingested, but hey, of couse the koalas would be dumb enough to choose it as their main source of food), so they discover that they lack the gut flora required to digest the leaves. To gain the nutrients they need, they have to eat their mother's feces, and this unpleasant, partially digested plant stuff is only enough to get a baby koala’s digestive system started.
Now the koalas may not even need to nuzzle his mother’s anus, as she’s probably suffering from incontinence. Why? Because chlamydia is prevalent in koalas. In other locations, the infection rate is as high as 80%. This figure isn't helped by the fact that rape is one of the very few activites that koalas will do with their little energy. Despite being seasonal breeders, males appear to be either unaware or unconcerned about whether or not a female is ovulating, and will just overpower her. And since koalas are stupid animals, he may drag them both out of the tree if she fights back, bringing us full circle back to the brain. The amount of cerebrospinal fluid in koalas' brains is higher than typical. This is to keep their brains safe from harm... if they were to fall from a tree. An animal that is so large that it has its own built-in helmet.
Overall, as I have stated many times before, I absolutely hate koalas, and usually I want to end my articles with a positive and happy note, but this time, I can’t. Koalas are predicted to go extinct in New South Wales in Australia by 2050. And with more and more people dedicating their time to helping this disgusting, horrendous and terrible animal, I can see my kids getting nightmares from the pure fact that they exist. So I urge you readers, to cause as much damage to their surrounding environment as possible. If we can’t kill them, ruin their homes and their lives, make their lives a living hell, just like how they did to us. (I understand that it’s hard to not kill those disgusting creatures, but since it’s illegal to do so, the best we can do is to cause as much pollution as possible).
As Martin Luther King once said, “I have a dream, that one day this nation will rise up and live out the rest of our lives without the threat of koalas and their chlamydia”, and I hope we can achieve this dream as soon as possible.