Long we have sought the truth in its purest form. Now, we get right to the source, in a tell-all interview with Ms. Lodders of RCHK English Department fame that answers all your burning questions.
Recorded 7th December, 2023.
This interview has been edited for clarity. If you have a problem with that, you can schedule a boxing match with a Leeks member of your choosing on our YouCanBookMe. Winner gets the right to rip up the loser’s birth certificate.
Give us an introduction of yourself.
Ah! Well, okay, my name is Ms. Lodders. I’ve been at RCHK for six years now, this is my seventh year. I teach English and I’m also a head of year.
I’d like to ask, first of all: Why do you think we should offer you a place at this interview?
Well, I’ve been at school for some time. I’ve taught many of you, I am in fact the interviewer’s head of year, so why not?
My next question for you is very important, because this is going to determine how suitable we think you are for this interview.
Right.
What would you do if you saw a dog sitting like a human on the MTR, taking up a whole bench because he had two beautiful women on his arm, and he was also manspreading?
Ooh. My first instinct would be to take a photo of that to share with all my friends, because of the amusing qualities of it. I would, of course, seek the dog and his lady friends' consent for that photo taking. The manspreading is very inconvenient, but seeing as they’re taking up a whole bench—obviously if an elderly person got on the train I would try and assert that this person should be allowed to sit down, instead of just Mr. Wolf and his friends.
What would you do if the dog said no and wouldn’t let you take the picture?
I would make millions because I’d found a talking dog.
Speaking of talking animals, would you be friends with your cats if they were humans?
I think so. Yes, I think I would. I think Wasabi—the boy cat—would be possibly, uh, a little irritating because he does like to sit on the toilet and watch you brush your teeth. But with Miso, she’s quite chatty as a feline, I think she might have interesting things to say.
But would your cats be friends with you?
I think so, I think they like me very much.
Well, you can never read cats, they’re very complicated individuals. Which would be your favorite school department to cut funding to?
Oh-hoh, oh! That’s an interesting question! Um, I’d like to venture no comment to that question, at the risk of being shunned by other colleagues.
Do you think true love is real?
I think that love is a complex emotion that grows over time. It’s different to the feeling of being in love. So if you mean true love as in a deep affection and care for a person, yes I do think that’s real.
Do you think two cousins could be in a romantic relationship?
I think that’s inadvisable. And might lead to some problems developmentally as well, should they have children.
That’s a controversial statement, I will say. I know some people who would disagree with that. How old is too old to be wetting the bed?
We need to consider that some people might have good reasons for wetting the bed, and it might be something that happens early in life and again later in life. So, I think we shouldn’t judge people who wet the bed, we should offer them support and rubber sheets.
It’s a little like the political horseshoe theory, you start off wetting the bed and then you reach a point where you’re no longer wetting the bed, then you go back to wetting the bed. A never ending cycle of wetting the bed.
Exactly.
What is your favorite movie featuring an actor?
See, it’s very difficult for me to choose a favorite movie because I like so many movies. I would say — oh, it’s difficult to pick one off the top of my head.
Just has to be one that features an actor.
Just any movie that features an actor? Um, um… so much pressure. Oh, I would say Luther, the movie version of the TV show Luther, because I love Idris Elba.
What would you do if you woke up as a really big roach?
As I am a roach, I don’t know how much I would be able to do. So this is a Metamorphosis scenario, yes? Panic, probably do exactly what the main character in the Kafka story does, panic and lie on my back flailing my little legs around.
I think we can all say we’ve been there! Would you sponsor my cryptocurrency venture if I named the new currency after you?
No.
Is that a definitive no?
That’s a definitive no.
Not even if I put in a little bribery cash?
I am a person with integrity, I would not accept your bribe.
Do you think Taiwan belongs to Kosovo?
I think Taiwan can be whoever it wants to be.
That’s beautiful. This next one is a great question, a lot of people have been requesting that we ask you this. Are you prepared?
Am I prepared?
[An image of a car completely covered in hagfish slime is shown.] For hagfish slime?
I was going to quote the whole boy scout motto of always be prepared, but hagfish slime, no, I’m not prepared for that. That’s disgusting.
Can you name all of the IB Learner Profiles right now?
Risk taker, thinker… you’ve caught me two weeks before Christmas at peak dilapidation. Communicative…collaborative, is that one? I’ve done four, let’s move on.
If the IB was like a YA dystopian novel, and every IB student was sorted into a Learner Profile, which group would you discriminate against the hardest?
I would probably say the risk takers, but only in the context of a dystopian novel because in a dystopian world you need people who are smart and make safe choices rather than take risks.
Do you think gluttony should be an IB Learner Profile?
No, because it would be very expensive and the coffee shop would run out of cookies.
Oh, this is the penultimate question and a very important one. How much do you think the average Dyson vacuum costs in Tuvalu?
Ooh! I do not know. I know that it is a very small island, and it doesn’t have many flights there. I would suggest fifteen thousand Hong Kong dollars.
Wow! Well, Tuvalu is a digital nation now as we all know. I think they should start downloading jpegs off the Amazon site and start using that instead. Final question: since I’ve been doing all the questioning, how about you ask me a question?
Do you enjoy wearing both sunglasses and glasses at the same time?
I need them both to see. They took my retinas during the mock exams. It’s been very hard.
I see.
Well, this concludes our interview with Ms. Lodders of DP English and MYP English fame. I’d like to thank our sponsors, Big Oil. Big Pharma. Big Cash. And the Kuomintang. NOT the IBO, they don’t pay us any money. This is so unfair. I should be reimbursed. Thank you.
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