Dateline: November 26, 2021. Time: 12:31. An unsuspecting Mr. Wheeler walks into the third floor teachers bathroom for a quick number one. He shuts the door behind him.
Slowly, he takes in the scene before promptly doubling over and vomiting out the remains of his lunch.
Faecal matter is everywhere. All over. The toilet. Bowl. Seat. Everywhere. EVEN SMEARED ON THE WALLS.
He quickly turns around hoping to escape the predicament he finds himself in, only to be interrupted by a pounding on the door.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Is there someone in there?”
“Yes!” he answers instinctively.
Bad idea. Now if he leaves, everyone will think it is his work.
Turning back to face his worst nightmare, he holds his breath and grabs the roll of toilet paper which was surprisingly not covered in the brown sludge; as if the culprit had planned this all out to purposely humiliate him.
What happens next will forever be entrenched in his mind. An absolute degradation to his pride.
He cleans it up.
Even the stains on the wall...floor...ceiling…
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For the past few months, the 3rd floor teachers have gone to the staff toilet to relieve themselves, only to be mortified by the artistic remains, akin to Jackson Pollock's work, of the “Phantom Pooper”.
A creative rendition:
This has led to the lack of trust between colleagues as they whisper furiously looking at each other with wary eyes, calculating and turning on each other as they attempt to decipher who exactly is the “Phantom Pooper”?
Fellow traumatized English teachers Ms Daw, Ms Scully, and Ms Plosaj have started a ‘3rd Floor Anonymous’ club for other victims who have suffered from these events.
“We just think this is the necessary approach for all the, not only mental, but physical damage that this Phantom Pooper has done. We’re not the only ones who’ve had to struggle with this. We can all heal together.”
Other teachers have taken a more radical approach. 4th floor English teacher Mr Jones, who has started suffering from paranoia, has recently taken a liking to the 6th floor seminar room as “no one goes there”:
“There’s really nothing here! Students don’t even come here because they’d have to climb up 6 floors. Teachers don’t come here unless they teach because it’s so boring. There’s nothing. It's just a certified liminal space. You’d probably break all the science equipment by accident if you go exploring. Or get yoinked, as the kool kids say these days, into purgatory for setting foot on this floor since the staircase is probably a portal to another dimension.”
Another fellow, Mr Lacey, has been ominously writing up what he calls “plans”. However, other colleagues who have snuck a peek at the paper he keeps writing on have said that it just contains a bunch of scribbles with the words "MURDER THEM” in the middle, as well as drops of red paint.
In other news, there are reports of similar happenings in the student toilets, to a lesser extent. It appears that the Phantom Pooper does not discriminate. However, these poops have been smaller in scale and DNA tested, suggesting that these have been imitation crimes.
We can only pray to God that we can get over this trial together.
May the Phantom Pooper burn in hell. Amen.
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From the teachers to the Phantom Pooper: just use the student’s bathrooms for your business please 🙏
