In light of children being cooped up inside for 2 years due to COVID, the HK government has come up with a new program designed to strengthen the immune system of the weak, feeble Zoom babies of today. Every resident with a child under the age of 8 will be mailed a 1L jar of dirt with a big red label that says “SAFE FOR CONSUMPTION” slapped on the side.
Parents were told that they are welcome to do whatever they want with their personal jar of dirt, but it is strongly advised that they introduce this dirt to their child's diet in order to boost their immune system.
“It’s the most natural thing in the world,” exclaimed a government representative from the Department of Health. “Children have been eating dirt for millenia. It’s got a 100% effectiveness rate in fighting off germs. No child who’s ever eaten dirt will be sick. Soon enough, we will have a child army sustained on only dirt. We will live
forever.”
As of today, this program has been met with roaring success: the average dirt levels in a Hong Kong infants’ system has increased by 60%, and it only seems to be getting higher.
“My child has not stopped eating dirt since our first jar arrived,” tells an anonymous mother of a 6 year old boy. “He’s getting into the potted plants now, and I don’t have the money to keep buying new pots because he’s shattering them all in a desperate attempt to keep eating dirt as quickly as possible.”
However, not all things are well. One family reacted in outrage at the news, claiming that they were a “sand family” and being forced to make their child eat dirt was disrespectful to their family tradition of eating sand.
“For the past 600 years, my family has been eating only the driest, purest sand. We will not tolerate this dirt nonsense. It is a clear sign of contempt and mockery on the behalf of the government, and me and many others are taking a stand against this dirt fascism.”
An additional side effect of this program were the psychological impacts of forcing kids to eat dirt. Ligmund Greud, a child behavior analyst, reported an up to 47% increase in children shoveling dirt into their mouths at a terrifying voracity befitting only the most apex of dirt predators.
“I was taking a walk the other day and came across a horde of what I assumed to be 6 year olds, crouched over the flowerbeds by the local playground. As I approached the leader of the pack, he looked at me with a vacant expression in his eyes, his hands still grabbing at the dirt and throwing it in the direction of his mouth. It was very strange, but you know how children are. Well, I know how children are, haha, that’s my job!” commented Greud on this new phenomenon.
“Additionally, I’ve also seen a lot more children who are significantly pinker and longer than most other children. They don’t seem to have any parents, and just roam around in the dirt headfirst. They also don’t seem to have faces, or hands, or legs, or any distinguishing markers of human children. It’s most peculiar.”
When asked if he was describing an earthworm, Greud did not comment further.
UPDATE 26/2/22: As of 30 jars ago, the government has run out of mailmen to deliver the jars. All jars of dirt will now be distributed via carrier pigeon or a parade of ants (if you’re lucky).
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