Between January 13 and January 26, a sewage water sample near Heng On tested positive for COVID-19. Everyone in the area was required to test for the virus, and it was an experience like no other. But that is beside the point, we are going to talk about something no other newspaper will ever talk about. Do you ever wonder who the Phantom Pooper is? Who was the person who decided to poop out COVID?
Dear person: there is no escape from death. I, along with the investigators affiliated with Leeks, have prime suspects.
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Below is an excerpt from a Leeks article published on December 8th:
Dateline: November 26, 2021. Time: 12:31. An unsuspecting [individual] walks into the third floor teachers bathroom for a quick number one. He shuts the door behind him.
Slowly, he takes in the scene before promptly doubling over and vomiting out the remains of his lunch.
Faecal matter is everywhere. All over. The toilet. Bowl. Seat. Everywhere. EVEN SMEARED ON THE WALLS.
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This was the state of the third-floor gender-neutral bathroom. We don’t know whether it has improved since then. But we do know this: there is a correlation between the Menace and the Pooper.
Why do I say this? Diarrhea is a major symptom of COVID-19, it can occur days before other symptoms start appearing*. The Menace must have gotten the virus, and not told anyone. But we have a suspicion! It is a primary student. People aged 2-3 cause the most problems, and even though I cannot confirm myself (because I’m always good), the primary students in RCHK are well-known for being ‘Menaces in Society’.
*not confirmed by our science team
Do you see the link? The 3rd Floor Menace is also a menace! The word menace is not used lightly. Primary students, with their tiny physical appearance, and tiny mental capacity, must have pooped out the darn sickness! Untreated diarrhea can cause lifelong bowel problems. Primary students have long to live. Please go see a doctor.
After the breaking discovery, we have narrowed it down to about 160 people.
Wait… the investigators are calling me.
…Hello?
…yes?
…mhm
…I’ll get to it.
We have found her. The Phantom Pooper. The third floor Phantom Pooper. The COVID Phantom Pooper. The menace to society.
See Fut, aged 3, RCHK. Lives in Cheung Chau, family of 8.
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Below is the transcript of a COVID-friendly interrogation with primary student See Fut.
Woron: This is a safe space. The room is only shared between you and me.
See Fut: No, I am not going to say anything Fortnite dancer uwu owo nuzzles.
Woron: This is a serious subject. As a primary, you should have familiarized yourself with taking initiative.
See Fut: I’m Y10 do u know da wae?
Woron: No you’re not. You are tiny short kid.
See Fut: Well if you are not gonna say anything… Then I will go bing chilling with my friends.
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And just like that, she left. Without an ounce of clue, our investigation is on hold. LMAO that is what I would say if I was a trash investigator, but I am the best investigator if you don’t count better investigators!
There is always one technique in the Investigator World that works 100% of the time.
Stalking.
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Below is a copy of my notepad on January 28th, 2022.
7:25am: Through the window of her Cheung Chau house, I can see that she has woken up. I am sitting on green grass, it's a beautiful day.
7:26am: She has walked to the bathroom.
9:28am: It has been two hours, she has not left the bathroom. What is she doing, I can see that she is on her laptop.
9:30am: I notice her surroundings: the white tiles on the walls are becoming brown. The white toilet head thing, is turning brown.
9:35am: I have installed the audio stalker equipment using her laptop’s webcam. This is what she is saying.
“I’ll go A.”
“LMAO dog water”
“insta locked Jett? eeEEeeEEee I'm an Irelia main”
“brb gonna play Roblox”
“fart”
“wait I think woron is stalking me”
“yeah its woron, let me call him”
9:42am: I recieve a call from See Fut.
See Fut: woron where are you..
Me: Why ask?
See Fut: why are you outside my house
Me: Leeks. Don’t question me.
She saw me… I must run.
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I turn around, ready to run away in defeat.
I realise that See Fut was playing video games in the bathroom, and not flushing the toilet. Typical primary! She made references to Fortnite, how could I not know!
As I stand up, I notice… There is a crowd of people staring at me.
I look down, I see that the green grass I was sitting on, is now brown.
Am I the Phantom Pooper?
The End.
i should go see a doctor or else i will get lifelong bowel problems