Protests have broken out worldwide over the rights afforded to chickens following their legal recognition as full-fledged members of the human species. Despite the widespread public outcry over the controversial move, governments have collectively refused to retract their statements, with many declaring that they were “very, very disappointed at the xenophobia displayed towards [their] new citizens.”
Many scientists have since voiced their concerns over the decision, citing taxonomy in their arguments as to why chickens are not, in fact, human. “This is completely unacceptable!” exclaimed one highly incensed biologist under the alias Carl. “They’re not even mammals! See here— chickens belong to the species gallus gallus domesticus, not homo sapiens! We are not the same species as—”
Unfortunately, that was the last of what we at RCHK Leeks heard from poor “Carl”, who has since been arrested for hate speech.
This decision stems from the ancient Greek philosopher Plato’s definition of a human as a “featherless biped with broad, flat nails”. Modern philosophers fully trained in the principles of TOK have refuted this claim, stating that the definition no longer applies in the modern day.
“With the rise of technology, we humans are no longer bound to evolutionary constraints,” reads an enlightening Padlet post written by one such philosopher. “Through the wonders of modern science, humans are now free to have nails that are neither broad nor flat, or to even acquire feathers if they so wish. As Plato’s definition would lead to the exclusion of some who are already considered human, it is clearly inaccurate; therefore, the only viable conclusion is that Diogenes was right all along, and that chickens are, in fact, human.”
Our very own Cooking Corner correspondent, both a biologist and hobbyist philosopher in their own right, made a valiant attempt to interview Diogenes themselves using methods that they have refused to disclose. Despite the fact that our reporter allegedly did not know how to speak in ancient Greek prior to today, we at RCHK Leeks have been informed that his reaction was relatively positive, and that the largely Google-translated transcript of their conversation was absolutely not fudged.
One major consequence of this declaration was the prohibition of eating both chicken and chicken eggs alike due to concerns regarding cannibalism, laws regarding which will reportedly come into effect following the formal integration of those formerly known as chickens into society. The potential cultural and economic ramifications of this are still being debated the world over, with no end in sight as of yet.
In other news, poultry farms the world over have been cancelled by the Internet community for child abuse, due to the fact that the chickens dwelling within them were never allowed proper access to education.
Comments