Ah, the sounds of birds chirping on a warm sunny morning. The sun is blasting its seductive waves of photos and radiation as you take a deep breath, inhaling in the fresh air crafted by the radiant dandelions around you. As the oxygen races to fill your lungs, you peer over the horizon and take a deep breath. It’s another beautiful day once again, and you can’t wait to get up and go to school where you take the International Baccal- oh god.
Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AWOIRHDJSOIDJSAOIDJWASDOIJNHSAOIDJASOIDJASDOIASJ
You made a mistake. You let your neurons free to think whatever, and it breached your delusion. The worst thing that could have happened just happened; you remembered you take IBDP.
It’s ok, it’s ok. Take a couple deep breaths.
In….
Out.
In…
Out.
Now that we’ve calmed down from the realization that you committed to serving 2 years in Satan’s world, let’s take a look at how you can trudge your way through the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme. I will be your guide and I am so sorry for that.
Organized crying
You take IBDP. Crying yourself to sleep has been normalized and you no longer feel happiness. It’s ok. It’s gonna be ok. But it may not seem like that right now, and you should know it’s ok to let it out sometimes. Sometimes you just need to cry and that’s alright.
The problem comes in when your crying is disruptive to your work. Maybe you’re rushing your chemistry IA at 2am the day it’s due but you just can’t seem to see what you’re typing through the tears in your eyes. This is an example of disorganized crying, crying that is not beneficial to your productivity.
Thus, you need to start organizing your crying. Put a 10-minute session somewhere in your day that is purely for crying. Every day, let the waterfalls out during those times, and your body will get used to the routine. Soon, you’re only crying at those specific 10 minutes every day compared to when you were crying at least 3 hours before.
Not a fan of a routine? That’s fine, we got you covered! Whenever you feel like crying, set an alarm for 5 minutes, then cry your heart out. Really commit to it, don’t hold yourself back. When your alarm goes off, immediately stop crying and head right back to work. With this, the amount of time crying takes out of your day gets significantly reduced by around 76%. Given enough practice, soon you’ll be able to control your crying to best fit your work ethic. Make your mental health productive.
2. The 8th deadly sin
Procrastination, wasting your life away because the new michael reeves video isn’t just gonna rewatch itself 16 times (seriously like get s*** on wall street bets lmao).
Why do work when you can not? Is it stressing you out? Are the twelve overdue assignments stressing you out? Making you nervous maybe? Maybe a little bit sad? Little bit of a “going insane”? That sucks, what you gonna do about it?
That’s right, you’re gonna ignore it and instead watch the 1 hour analysis on why Rango is a cinematic masterpiece because ignorance is bliss and you hate yourself.
Out of sight, out of mind. Don’t look at the 50 tabs of homework. Lose your sense of object permanence and hide away any worksheets you have. If you’re not thinking about them, then you can’t get stressed about it! Ignore anyone saying “oh but that’s incredibly irresponsible and is not solving any problems” or “that’s just a short term solution that only serves as a distraction to the real issue” and just tell them “L + ratio”.
Of course, not thinking about your physics IA due on Tuesday is gonna be a lil hard, so that brings us to the next step.
3. Entertainment because this world sucks
This is it. This is all there is to the world. You’re a useless excuse of a living being for 5 years, then it’s going to school for 13 years. Years of teenage angst and mental torture as the rest of your life is based upon a couple exams that you spend 2 years studying for. If your mental health is still intact by the end of it and you didn’t fail a single test, you get to go to university. You’ll be told that these are your “best years” and you should make the most of it, and you’ll be burdened by the fact that you feel unhappy in your supposed happiest years. You’re missing out on something that everyone else has, why can’t you just be happy?
Then it’s slaving away at a job at a company that couldn't care less about you. You’re barely making a living wage even with a degree because everyone has a degree. Piles and piles of student debt that you’ll be paying off even when you’re 40. And don’t even think about bringing children into this world if you can’t afford it.
After all that hard work, you get maybe one or two decades of no responsibilities, but you’re old so you can’t do the things you used to be able to, so what's the point in having no responsibilities? Maybe you’re lucky enough to find a significant other, but nothing lasts forever so what makes love the exception? Soon you’ll pass away, returning to whatever you were before you existed, just some atoms and some energy. Maybe you’re religious and you believe in an afterlife of some sorts and that brings comfort to you, and honestly hell yeah that rocks. I wish I could say the same.
But that’s it. That’s all there is. Your short time on Earth is spent working while the 1% get richer and you can barely afford rent.
There is no magic, no dragons, no secret creatures hidden.
There’s no princess/prince in a castle for you to save, no monsters for you to slay.
No mysterious hidden island for you to explore, no otherworldly pet for you to adore.
Born too late to explore the world, born too early to explore the universe.
There is no second act. Instead, here you lay, in the most boring and stable time of history.
Nothing special happens. Nothing special will ever happen to you, because you’re not special.
You’re not the main character, you’re an npc, floating in the grand cosmos of things, insignificant and unimportant.
Everything you do will be forgotten, a speck of dust in a desert of time.
Burdened with the knowledge of death, and burdened with the expectation to live.
Death is inevitable, the non-existent of self that we will face.
When you cease to exist, the world will carry on in your absence, without a single care.
Existing is tiring so why not ju- YOO A NEW MR BEAST VIDEO LETS GOOOOOOO CAN’T WAIT TO SEE MR BREAST DROP MORE MONEY THAN I WILL EVER EARN IN MY LIFETIME ON THIS RANDOM GUY HE PICKED OFF OF A STREET WOOOOOO
The world sucks so why not take your mind off it and instead put on some entertainment? Find a new anime to get sucked into or watch some funny minecraft videos. Maybe download league of legends and find a new hatred for others and yourself, or download among us and become a sussy imposter.
Doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you get your mind off of this sucky world. Life may be short but it’s the longest thing you’ll ever do so why not spend it by forming parasocial relationships with twitch streamers?
4. Fake it till you make it
Pssst.
Come over here.
Don’t make a sound, or they’ll hear us.
Shhhh.
I know what you did.
You think you’re clever?
Tell me, did you really do those months of home workout?
Come on, look at yourself.
It’s okay. We all fake our CAS.
Academic integrity is important but only when you have integrity. And let’s be honest, you have none. You’re really gonna tell me you’ve never performed an act of questionable honesty? Never look over a shoulder during a test? Never wrote some less than factual things on ManageBac? Did you really update your process journal every day? No you didn’t because no one updates their process journal every day. You leave it until the project is done and then you go back and complete your process journal. You realize you have a couple of days where you did nothing so you make up some bullshit in hopes your teacher will really think that it took you 3 double lessons to come up with the design for a circle coaster.
Mastering the art of faking things is hard and takes years of practice. You have tread the line of believable and factual. You can’t be too perfect because we all know you aren’t, but you can’t make yourself look too bad because why would you do that. Maybe you did do a home workout, but you did miss a couple days. Make it believable; you’re not always gonna do it 100% correct. Obviously you have to save face so even though you did miss a couple days, you made up for it by saving those orphans from a forest fire. What a good samaritan you are. Don’t forget, you also found the cure to all diseases and single-handedly paid off all student debt. You’re amazing. What a star.
(academic honesty is good be honest rchk leeks does not endorse academic dishonesty)
5. Last Defence - Delusion
Everything is ok. Your EE will sort itself out. You’re gonna do great on your exams. That 16% you got on your physics HL test is most definitely a 7. The 6 page IA you handed in last night is gonna be a banger of a 7. Of course you have a future you silly goose, you got a 7 out of the 56 mark math test last week! Yes, you should be most definitely happy with where you are in life! Sleep is just a made up social construct, you don’t need any! Two meals a day is plenty! What’s grass?
Abhorrent amounts of copium and delusion will solve any problem, because the problem will cease to exist. Put yourself in a bubble and protect your mind from any bad thoughts like “you should do that IA due tomorrow” or “hey you should go to sleep its 4am and you have school tomorrow”. Ew, yucky thoughts. Throw them out and replace them with important things like why crabs are genetic masterpieces and why they’ll take over the world one day.
Delusion is so powerful, it can make the entirety of the IBDP cease to exist. And it’s simple and cheap too! All you have to do is just NOT think about the IBDP, and boom. You’re now in a delusion with copious amounts of copium. Wonderful, isn’t it?
Closing remarks
Gremlins of the world, let us come together and rejoice! For the reign of the IBDP will soon be overthrown. Its tight grasp on our mind’s and mental health will be released, and we will be free once again! No longer will we be trapped by the confines of the mind prison we have been put in, free to roam the halls of tangible joy. We must march on, regardless of whatever the International Baccalaureate has in store for us, for we have our wits, and each other. We’re going to make it through these rough times, and we’re gonna be fine. For we are gremlins damn it, and we don’t take no beating sitting down. IBDP, we’re coming for your ass (after we finish watching the new michael reeves video).
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