Career know-how with Eugenius - How to write a flawless CV

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When applying for a job, the CV is essential for giving off an excellent first impression, especially at a very competitive company such as Leeks. Therefore, I, Eugenius, have taken the obligation to assist you in your job searching journey.

Step 1:

A picture says a thousand words, so put your best foot forward. It is always essential to look young, fresh, and lively. If you’re over 30, look down at your keyboard, press ⌘A and ‘delete’. Trust me, no one wants to hire an old hag. Pictured below are some great examples of what to put in your CV:

A splendid smile that could shatter oaths of abstinence by even the most devout of Christians, but I am confident we can do a better job than this.

Perfect.

Step 2:

Introduce yourself. This part is pretty self-explanatory. You put your name, your contact details, and your address.

Eugenius

82736478

leeks@rchk.edu.hk

Heng On, Hong Kong

If you slip up, you should be very disappointed in yourself. Be prepared to come home to a snap of daddy’s belt, or a crack of your mother’s 雞毛掃 (feather duster). You will leave for school with red lashes on your arm the next day.

Step 3:

Introduce yourself... again. Let’s go line by line. The first sentence tells your future employer about your personality and your wits. Something along the lines of “I have a great zest for life with an abundance of optimism” will work. If you are a sociopath, do not write “I have no empathy. Hire me”. However, as a sociopath, you are likely to have lied your way through the application process. A cunning and manipulative personality is indispensable when it comes to climbing up the corporate ladder.

The second sentence tells your future employer that you are skilful. Pick something relevant. For example, if you’re applying to McDonald’s, something along the lines of “I pick things off the floor and eat them all the time. The 5-second rule always applies” is fitting. If you’re applying to become a finance manager, “I am cost-effective. I cook every meal with oil extracted from my scalp!” is impeccable.

When I applied to the statistics department in the prestigious RedDoor University, I wrote: “Mathematics is one of my strong suits due to my willingness and efficiency in learning new things.” This is terrible. I simply cannot see how being able to count to eleven on my ten fingers would be useful in this job. Also, you do not need to learn new things if you are already a multi-talented expert like I am, just show them who’s boss.

Finally, you write a few more sentences littered with self-praise and pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

Step 4:

In the next section, you elaborate on your competencies. One of my competencies is that I am a hard worker, as I can work relentlessly for 40 hours a day, from 12 am to 28 pm. Another one of my competencies is teamwork. As outlined in my CV, “As an older sister to a brother who refuses to finish his assessments until the last minute, we collaborate on his assessments to ensure that he still gets a 7”. As the name suggests, as long as you present yourself as an extremely competent employee, this section should be a breeze.

Step 5:

Then you talk about your educational background and work experience. Usually, it would be quite difficult to improve this section. However, as most things are now done virtually, it means you can learn to photoshop certificates and improve your own standing. If you’re female, limit yourself on the scores and work experience. The misogynistic managers throughout the working world won’t want to hire a superior subordinate. On the plus side, learning photoshop gives you an extra skill to write about on your CV. Yay! When talking about your jobs, you outline what you accomplished during them. For example, “Teaching younger students math — During this activity, I laughed at the stupidity and answered their questions by providing real-life examples, e.g. by telling them their head was an equilateral triangle”.

Step 6:

Finally, you need a reference. Forget about the warnings against corruption, nepotism, and egoism. As long as they don’t share the same last name as you, go ahead. You could even fake your reference, just make sure to submit one about yourself. My reference was Sun Tzu, and this is what he said about me, “Eugenius is like a strand of cow hair in a field of nine cows, and one must remember ‘every (financial) battle is won before it is fought’. She is a rare gem you must not look past, lest you regret the decisions that will bring your company misfortune for centuries to come.”.