To begin,
Stop being taller than me.
As a person who is older than a lot of other people, I believe that I am granted some level of authority. I also believe that authority should be displayed visually, through things such as intense eye contact, power stances, and most importantly; height. Therefore, it is utterly unacceptable that I am occasionally SHORTER than a Year 9. This is heinous. This is a breach of the natural order. Why must my gaze turn upwards towards a person who knows nought of the sufferings that IB has burdened me with? To hell with your genetics, meddling Year 9s! If one more 12 year old is more capable of reaching the top shelf than I am, consequences must be had!
How will the youth understand that maturity = coolness if they can see the top of my balding head?
“Haha,” they jest. “Your height is of an inferior quality to mine.” What has this world come to?
I need to be able to stare down everyone younger than me. I will not accept nor tolerate having to get onto a stepladder, a stool, a chair, a regular ladder, a building, or someone else's shoulders, just to assert my dominance.
Therefore, if you are currently younger than I am and would like to help the cause, I would suggest these following actions:
Stop drinking milk. Water is better than milk. Milk is propaganda spread by the dairy industry to turn more people into cow addicts. Lower your calcium levels.
Dig a hole in the ground, jump in that hole, and remain there.
Consult a doctor to have your limbs shortened, SIGNIFICANTLY. We can’t have you growing taller. That’s absurd.
Flatten your head with an anvil.
Email Michael Reeves. :)
To my fellow people who are older than other people, begin to protest this unjustness. We must not become dwarfed! Our voices must be heard and our faces must be seen without having to stand on our toes! An end to all people younger than me yet taller than me!
Fellow comrades, let us protest against this unjustness. We must not become dwarfed. Our faces must be seen without having to stand on our toes; our voices shall be heard. We must bring an end to all youngsters who are taller than us. Let us rise up and reclaim the authority that was once rightfully ours.
With love and grace and light,
One guy from the RCHK Leeks journalism team
