Disclaimer: This article is 16+. Please practice safe sex. This is satire.
It’s a well documented fact that our world is slowly sinking into a pit of climate change fueled despair. Every self respecting news outlet is throwing out hopeless tales documenting the slow heat death of the very earth we live on, so we at Leeks would like to join in on this bandwagon headed straight for the choking, fetid garbage dump that will soon be our home.
The Problem
Have any of you considered the great waste condoms can be? Latex is in fact, a plastic; plastics, as we know, are bad for the environment. All those pictures of autopsied seagulls cut in half, tarred black and having suffocated to death on bits of Coke™️ bottles and balloon scraps are bad. But the worst of them all? Condoms. Do you not feel the least bit guilty? By having rubbered sex, YOU (consensual adults) are directly contributing to the deaths of thousands of innocent seagulls worldwide.
Sea turtles are by far the worst victims of these safe sex crimes. Every year, at least 2 sea turtles choke to death on condoms people throw out to sea, having fatefully mistaken them for innocuous jellyfish. Yes, this may be the fault of the sea turtles having no perception of what jellyfish actually look like, but they are reptiles. Let that sink in.
Another side effect of excessive condom usage is the sheer amount of waste generated by the condom box. 1 in every 10 consensual adults has stated that they do NOT recycle their condom boxes, or use biodegradable condom boxes (study courtesy of CondomCounter.com). 80% of our world's landfills are filled with condom boxes, unable to properly biodegrade as sinful acts do not deserve eternal rest.
What can we do?
Abstinence is key, folks. If you don’t use condoms, no condoms shall be added to the growing pile of transgressions the heathens of our society have sinfully shovelled together. Here’s a helpful acronym to help you remember:
N ever
U se
T condoms
S o we can save the earth peace and love
FAQ
“But I’ve just thrown away a 20 pack of condoms, for unspecified reasons! What can I do to repent for my actions?”
The Vatican hotline is free to search on Google.
“Is there any other method of condom sustainability other than abstinence?”
No.
*under no circumstances does Leeks recommend unsafe sex!!!!!!!!!!!!