Environmentalists report that the 3rd floor DP study room, which was at some nebulous point in time relatively empty, is now breaching its carrying capacity. As of the day they became members of the DP program, an influx of Year 12 students have begun populating the limited space, straining the scarce resources available for the Year 13s.
It is predicted that by 2024, the average number of people in the study room at any given time will be 3.5 people per square meter. This is a cause for concern, as authorities will start chopping people in half to fit this projection if this number is not lessened before the end of the year.
Some have observed that the glass walls of the study room are noticeably straining with the sheer mass of students inside every recess, and that it may be the “second sewage filled thing at our school to burst open this semester.” One anonymous student even stated that “trying to move in there is like trying to walk through a lot of people.” The expanding population has also had the side effect of extensive noise pollution; the average volume of the study room now clocks in at 130 decibels, which is the equivalent of 1200 atomic bombs.
While migrating to the 4th floor study room is technically a viable option, many opt to stay away for fear of the FE department staring down their souls, and also because it looks too much like an SAT testing center.
Another proposed mitigation strategy is to reduce the room’s more youthful population through the usage of high frequency noise, since the Year 13s have been so wizened by the IB that they now have the physical capabilities of the elderly and can no longer hear sharp noises nor tolerate walking up to the 6th floor.
However, many still claim that there is little to worry about, as the inherent balance of nature will cause the study room population to decrease through instinctive mechanisms such as cannibalism and knife crime.
Happy studying, DP cohort.
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